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"What are you looking at? I do own this site and all. Well, actually, I can't say I actually OWN anything,
because I didn't pay for it. I'm saving my money for that super death ray I've always wanted. My therapist suggested
I express myself in other ways so... I'm TARYN! (as if you didn't know). "
"Look at me! I'm so great! I have a giant lazer coming out of my face! My girlfriend and I are
nauseatingly codependent! Disagree with me, and I'll melt you... or I'll kill you with my whining. I'm CYCLOPS!"
"I'm pretty darn friendly, but I've got a mean streak the size of Amarillo. Before you forget
your manners, remember: The eyes of a Ranger are upon you. I... am CHUCK NORRIS."
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Today, our guest critic will be:
"I am the one called 'I AM'. I love limericks, chinese food, and synchronized swimming. If thou
findest me silly, I shall smite thee. I am GOD."
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1) Carebears- they're cute, they're cuddly... but are they worthy?
Chuck Norris: "Sure, they're friendly... but when was the last time they enforced
the law? Plus, I'm pretty sure none of them are Texans. Unworthy."
Taryn: "Didn't the CareBears stop airing back in the late 80's? I don't understand
why all these kids are wearing the tshirts and buying the stuffed animals. I would declare this latest trend unworthy
due to fake nostalgia, but I currently own at least 2 complete CareBears comforter sets and all the old VHSs. But at
least I know what they are. Worthy."
Cyclops: "Ooohhhhh.... I wanna be a Care Bear. Oh it will be so great when I'm a
Care Bear. Oh I can hardly wait to be a CareBear and do the things Care Bears do. Oh I wanna be a Care Bear like
you! Do you?"
(Um, we take that as a worthy?)
God: "Thou shalt VOTE, you incompetant fool!
I have no time for a bunch of tattooed hippies that live in the clouds, driving around their cloud cars
and trying to hug everybody. Clouds are water droplets, people, and it's damned COLD up there. When you spend
your days freezing your cheeks off, the only reason you would want to hug someone would be to steal their body heat.
I would know. Unworthy athiest toys. "
The votes are in: And it looks like it's a draw this time. CareBears are neither worthy nor unworthy.
They are just THERE.
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2) Harry Potter Goblet of Fire Paraphernalia- already a hot item in stores.
"Oh, I just LOVE the Harry Potter series! I've read all the books... the 6th one was a real nail-biter!
I just can't wait for the movie to come out in November; I've watched the same movie trailer at least 19 times! My friends
and I are totally gonna dress up like the characters on opening night... I have to be Neville because the part of Harry Potter
is already taken..."
"SILENCE!!!
I will never agree that witchcraft is a good thing, but if Ralph Fiennes is going to appear in this film
as the villain, I'm going to have to see it as well. Who knows? I might even be tempted to buy the Voldemordt action
figure as well. Worthy. "
"I love the Harry Potter series, but it seriously angers me when produce all this merchandise long before
the movie hits theaters. It makes all the wait and anticipation much, much worse. Really, I'm angry about this.
Can't you see that I'm angry? Unworthy. "
"I was just informed that these action figures do NOT come with lifelike karate-chop action. Well
that settles it. Unworthy."
Vote on Harry Potter Goblet of Fire merchandise: UNWORTHY.
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3) Furbies- That's right, they're back!
"It was only a matter of time before artificial intelligence started taking over the world. Blast
them, I say! Blast them all into space!"
"What ARE these things supposed to be? They're like a cross between a hamster and an owl, and they
talk, but only when you don't want them to. I used to keep mine on a shelf with a blanket over its head so it would
sleep and leave me alone, but in the middle of the night it would wake up at the sign of any movement and start asking
me to play with it. One time, during a thunderstorm, I swear it started speaking Chinese. Now, these new furbies
can speak 7 different languages, and are being ordered as stocking stuffers already. Don't do this to your children, people.
Unworthy, and scary beyond all reason."
"They look kinda shifty to me. I don't trust 'em. If I see any this side of Texas, I'll have
no choice but to throw 'em in the pen for a while. Unworthy."
"Disgusting creatures! I think this calls for another Great Flood, or perhaps I should bump up the
next Ice Age a few months. Ever see The Day After Tomorrow? Complete rubbish! I declare that these
vermin that shall not be named are completely and thoroughly unworthy."
Final Vote on Furbies: Very, Very Unworthy.
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4) Lego: Knights' Kingdom- Declared the Boy Toy of the Year,
2005
"As far as I'm concerned, Legos are, and have always been, the toys of champions. From pirate ships
to star wars sets (complete with little ewoks) to devices of execution (see blockdeath.com), there isn't anything you can't
build. Granted, it's always a little frustrating when your little brother eats all the small pieces, and the price certainly
isn't always right... but if I don't declare them worthy I'd have wasted far too many hours of my youth. Worthy. "
"Just as long as there aren't any Tower of Babel sets out there... Worthy."
"Building's alright, but personally I wouldn't give a buffalo nickel for a castle that couldn't hold my
left boot. Stompin' on bad guys is much more worthwhile to me! Unworthy."
"Generally, I like to blow things up with my eyes. Why build a target when there's a whole city that
I can destroy in the next death match? Unworthy."
Final vote: A draw, due to a technicality (Cyclops actually voting).
Well, there you have it. This years toys, overall, are pretty unworthy so far. Hopefully something
good will come around on the holidays to improve the score. Otherwise, it looks like we'll have to dispute the Holidays
as well. Until then, stay out of the toy section!
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