They all start something like this: "You are 2 years old... you're doing things on your own now, and you don't have time for leaks!"

     Now, I know there must be some child prodigies out there, but do you really think that they are so advanced that they will listen to this commercial, steal their mothers' cars, and drive themselves to the grocery store to buy (with the money they earned on Ebay) the new Extra Strong, Super Thick, Huggies Premium Force Toddler Training Pants? 

     Or, perhaps they should address the real audience: a bunch of tissue-grasping stay-at-home moms who are still weeping over the tragic fate of soap opera hunk Maximus Packagus (not to mention me, but for reasons I do not care to disclose).

     Black lady in hairnet: "ARE YOU HUNGRY?"

                              and: "WE MAKE A LOT OF CEREAL HERE!!!"
     WHY is she always yelling at me?  It's really quite unnerving.  Either she's gone deaf from 40 years of working with heavy machinery, or she's just doing a fine job of scaring people into never wanting to eat cereal again.  One time, I had a dream where she was the toy surprise... I've never really gotten over it.

       For just 4 easy payments of $89.99, you can own a ladder that comes with a million complicated attachments that you'll probably never need... and if you do, ake sure you attach them JUST right or you'll fall to your death as fast as Father Gravity can manage.

        The fabulous price of... well, the average American can't multiply 89.99 times 4... is MUCH less than the 600-800 dollars you would spend on your average, not-so-special ladder.  Okay, time out... has anyone ever really spent that much on a ladder?  I wouldn't know, my Dad always swipes things like that from hospital maintenance when he needs them.

       Also, does taking away the 1 cent from $90.00 really fool the public into thinking their saving money?  Don't answer that.  I think we all know that it's true.  The human race is on its way out.

       Okay, so I watched this infomercial for almost 20 minutes, and I never saw any freakin' lasers.  And the cyclonic action?  The vacuum will spin all of the filth you live in around in a little chamber for a while.  Not exciting.  This segment is over until they show me a laser.

 

        Recap: A jedi uses his light saber to open a ketchup packet for some bewildered looking children, saying "May the fries be with you."

        I realize that I will probably be crucified by misc. Star Wars nerds and Amy Merritt for any negative Star Wars comments on my part, but let me just say that I haven't seen the latest film yet, and "May the fries be with you" is not motivating me.  Also, is there really so little evil in the universe that ketchup packets have become the next big nemesis to overcome?  Well. That's pretty depressing.

 

      The one, the only tampon that can save you and your boyfriend from the fate that awaits you in a sinking rowboat.... that is, if you decided that you would need an entire box with you wherever you go.  I think that would pretty much imply that you have a medical problem, ladies.  Better go get that checked out.

 

       Recap:  A minute long series of movie clips shows Bambi happily playing with his animal friends and returning to his mother at the end of the commercial.

       Okay, big problem. If the people who made this commercial had watched more than 10 minutes of the film, they would know that Bambi's mother is shot by a hunter, and it has nothing to do with forest fires.  I would know. That movie ruined my childhood.

 

       This particular commercial had very little to do with car sales and everything to do with Bunky's friend hitting himself with a swimming noodle.  Sadly enough, I was laughing at this for well over 10 minutes. 

        PS: The name 'Bunky Gandy' gets me every time.  Wouldn't buy a car from him, but I might steal his lunch money once in a while.